Sunday, February 24, 2019

Weekly MMM - On Relationships


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My focus this week is on relationships, from the simple, short ones to the life-long ones, like marriage and family relationships.

I’m looking at some universal principles that everybody can benefit from having in their bag of tricks, and this is a list of some of them:

1) The first thing is that the word relationship is a form of the verb, “to relate.” To have a relationship, we have to be able to relate to the other, which doesn’t mean a simple understanding or casual ability to relate to them, but it’s more a proactive relating that takes effort. That means bonding and love and compassion and empathy, etc.

2) To make a relationship work we have to be honest. Honesty means we have disclosure, such as “I am this and you are that,” hopefully at the right time and in the right way so the relationship can become more intimate. That’s another central aspect of relating.

3) One of the basic features of successful relationships is giving. In fact, in the Hebrew, the word HAV means “to give.” It’s also the root of the word AHAVA, which means love. From that, we can see that giving creates love.

Ironically, in the English language, HAVE means “to possess,” sort of the opposite of giving.

4) Along that same line, we have to put ourselves in another person’s place, and to love our neighbors as ourselves. We have to develop the ability to step outside ourselves and into their body and mind, so to speak, as though they were our own. Doing this, we gain a new perspective on who that person really is and how we can relate to them.

If we can start to reframe ourselves as individuals as a “we,” and consider what’s good for “us,” that reframe can help to facilitate a good relationship, too.

A deeper way of doing that can be seen in a soulmate relationship. It’s the ability to consider this – “What is good for you is actually good for me.” If we’re connected on a soulmate level thinking this way is possible. We’re on the same team. When one player scores a touchdown, it’s good for the whole team.

5)  Turning the “we” into “me” is another way of looking at it. It’s turning the two into one. The ultimate and the intimate is all about that, as it does in love-making when two people dissolve into one.

6) Another thing is to bring G-d into the relationship by understanding that, if we so desire, G-d can help us discover all kinds of new ways of relating to each other, of bonding with each other, of becoming connected and intimate with each other. This helps us make discoveries about how we come from each other.  This is another universal way to foster our relationships as well.

7) Use of creative communication is key to building relationships, which includes speaking from the heart and the soul and from associated thoughts and a G-dly place, a place of yearning, desire and also art. Speaking in music and poetry are ways to explore creative speaking.

8) Another thing is to be able to understand the other person as a sort of feedback system for us. Even though you may be bothered by something, meaning something you don’t agree with, it’s an opportunity to consider ourselves and ask whether or not we could make a change in some way, in order to bring out the best in ourselves and in our relationship. We can see the other person as sort of a G-d-sent feedback system for our own good.

Ultimately, we can see the other person as having been sent to me on purpose, for a the greater good, which is a good way to look at everything in your life. Looking at it that way, all the sting goes out of a situation.

9) Finally, we can see and interact with the other person with benevolence. You could think of it as, “turning the other cheek,” because that’s a picture of our ability to relate, even if the other person is not relating in the same way to us.

If my goal is to become good in a relationship, it probably hones and finely-tunes a person’s character more than anything else in the world.

So, my goal is not to compete with the other person, but, no matter how they relate to me, see them as an opportunity to practice goodness and compassion, etc.

Those are just a few thoughts on how to connect in a relationship.

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