My focus this week is on relationships, from the simple,
short ones to the life-long ones, like marriage and family relationships.
I’m looking at some universal principles that everybody can
benefit from having in their bag of tricks, and this is a list of some of them:
1) The first thing is that the word relationship is a form
of the verb, “to relate.” To have a relationship, we have to be able to relate
to the other, which doesn’t mean a simple understanding or casual ability to
relate to them, but it’s more a proactive relating that takes effort. That means
bonding and love and compassion and empathy, etc.
2) To make a relationship work we have to be honest. Honesty
means we have disclosure, such as “I am this and you are that,” hopefully at
the right time and in the right way so the relationship can become more
intimate. That’s another central aspect of relating.
3) One of the basic features of successful relationships is
giving. In fact, in the Hebrew, the word HAV means “to give.” It’s also the
root of the word AHAVA, which means love. From that, we can see that giving
creates love.
Ironically, in the English language, HAVE means “to possess,”
sort of the opposite of giving.
4) Along that same line, we have to put ourselves in another
person’s place, and to love our neighbors as ourselves. We have to develop the
ability to step outside ourselves and into their body and mind, so to speak, as
though they were our own. Doing this, we gain a new perspective on who that
person really is and how we can relate to them.
If we can start to reframe ourselves as individuals as a “we,”
and consider what’s good for “us,” that reframe can help to facilitate a good
relationship, too.
A deeper way of doing that can be seen in a soulmate relationship.
It’s the ability to consider this – “What is good for you is actually good for me.”
If we’re connected on a soulmate level thinking this way is possible. We’re on
the same team. When one player scores a touchdown, it’s good for the whole
team.
5) Turning the “we”
into “me” is another way of looking at it. It’s turning the two into one. The ultimate
and the intimate is all about that, as it does in love-making when two people
dissolve into one.
6) Another thing is to bring G-d into the relationship by
understanding that, if we so desire, G-d can help us discover all kinds of new
ways of relating to each other, of bonding with each other, of becoming
connected and intimate with each other. This helps us make discoveries about
how we come from each other. This is
another universal way to foster our relationships as well.
7) Use of creative communication is key to building
relationships, which includes speaking from the heart and the soul and from associated
thoughts and a G-dly place, a place of yearning, desire and also art. Speaking
in music and poetry are ways to explore creative speaking.
8) Another thing is to be able to understand the other
person as a sort of feedback system for us. Even though you may be bothered by
something, meaning something you don’t agree with, it’s an opportunity to consider
ourselves and ask whether or not we could make a change in some way, in order
to bring out the best in ourselves and in our relationship. We can see the
other person as sort of a G-d-sent feedback system for our own good.
Ultimately, we can see the other person as having been sent
to me on purpose, for a the greater good, which is a good way to look at
everything in your life. Looking at it that way, all the sting goes out of a
situation.
9) Finally, we can see and interact with the other person
with benevolence. You could think of it as, “turning the other cheek,” because
that’s a picture of our ability to relate, even if the other person is not
relating in the same way to us.
If my goal is to become good in a relationship, it probably
hones and finely-tunes a person’s character more than anything else in the
world.
So, my goal is not to compete with the other person, but, no
matter how they relate to me, see them as an opportunity to practice goodness
and compassion, etc.
Those are just a few thoughts on how to connect in a
relationship.
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